Snow Days 2009

I think it is has been quite a while since I last blogged! :) The good news is that I am feeling MUCH better! I am not 100% back to myself, but I would say I am 80% better than I was! This is good news!!! Thank you all for your prayers!!!! It really helps knowing that I have so many friends who care! :) I have good days, but I also have bad "moments," but I am getting through the hard times. I am lucky b/c I am surrounded by people who care about me. I am also lucky that there is medicine that helps TREMENDOUSLY when you get to the point that I was. I really hated going on meds. (been there done that in the past), but I knew it was the right thing. There was no way I was getting past this "episode" w/out involving some medicine. I also feel lucky to have found a dr. who is letting ME decide what amount I want to take. With my history, he knows that I know what I am doing. I have had "not so good" drs. in the past (one had me on so high a dose it was insane - I was a zombie and he wouldn't listen or hear what I was saying - I didn't need such a high dose) soooooo, it is sooooo nice to have one I like! My mom came w/me and she liked him, too! Thanks again to everyone for praying!!!! :))

We have gotten soooo much snow and I finally got to take a couple of pics!!! It got me itching to take more, so I get to go and take some more tomorrow!!! I am so excited. I am realizing that I need to do more things that are fun for ME!!! Sounds selfish, but it is true! My life revolves around my kids, and even tho that is great and how it should be, I can't forget about Cissa! Soooo, taking pics tomorrow is all about me!!! I should be home cleaning and doing laundry, but all of that can wait. Cissa gets to go and have some fun!!! Oh, and did I mention that I get to go w/a fellow photographer who happens to be a great friend?! That is the best part! :)) Did I mention how excited I am??!! :))

Have a good weekend!

Love, Cissa

Still In Need Of Prayer!

I haven't been blogging lately and I apologize for that! I miss it b/c it can definately be an outlet, but also a wonderful way to keep in touch w/others! My biggest issue right now is still obsessing!!! I have been on my medicine for two weeks now and for the most part, I am doing MUCH better! But........there is always a but, huh?.................I am still not well!!! I have this crazy obsession that I am hurting or going to hurt my eyes!!! I know it sounds crazy! I feel soooo embarrassed to even be sharing it! At this point, I feel I MUST share it and get it out in the open! I am afraid to touch my eyelashes which makes it VERY hard to wash or clean your eyes! I tell myself that people who wear make-up (I haven't worn any in yrs. due to dry eyes), but people who do wear it, have to clean it off............and that involves rubbing and cleaning all around your eyes! I am sooooo afraid I am going to harm myself in some way! It definately affects my quality of life! I am just hoping and praying that the meds. will continue working even more in another week or so. Meds. take time to get in your system and it has only been two weeks. I AM doing better during the day. It is the mornings that are rough for me. I have had dreams about poking my eyes and then, I wake up, and can't tell if it was real or a dream. This is when the obsessive thoughts begin. Did I poke myself for real or was it a dream?? I have been to the eye dr. twice in the last month. I cannot keep going. Everything is always fine and I feel great when I leave the office, but.........w/in a day or two, I am still obsessing!
Please don't think I am some lunatic! I'm not crazy, just a little unwell right now. I beg you to pray for me b/c my kids need a mom who can function and take care of them properly. I went on meds. a couple of yrs. ago for this same thing and got better, so I know there is hope, but right now, it is early in the morning, and I had what I "think" was a dream of poking myself, and it is making me not know truth from fiction. I wake up and don't know what really happened b/c dreams can feel so real, ya know! Maybe I will start some therapy. I have done that before as well.
Mornings are my absolute hardest right now. It is quiet and I am left alone w/my thoughts which are obsessive!!!
Pray for me and THANK YOU for caring about me!!!!! This is hard and very personal to share, but I felt compelled to share it anyway. I feel very isolated and alone during these times.

I will try and update more often to keep everyone updated.
Thanks again! :)
Love you all,
Cissa

Hard to Admit, But Truthful

It has been a while since I have posted. The reason is, mostly, due to simply being busy. With the Christmas break (my husband was off, too), things just seemed more crazy around here. It might have something to do w/the fact that we are still working on remodeling our basement (that whole area is in shambles) and..............we have been painting other rooms in the house as well. Once I painted one room, it was a downward spiral where several other rooms needed painted to match better. I have to say, the colors we had originally weren't my faves, anyway, so I am happy to be painting in colors that suit me more! :) I am not a "natural" at picking colors, tho. I know what I like for one room, but trying to see the "big picture" can be overwhelming!!!! But...........we are getting there. I am trying very hard to take it one day at a time. It will all get done. There really is no rush. Sometimes the longer you wait for something, the more it means when it is finally there!!! I am hoping to be "there" by summer (although that only means we will be on to "new" projects like painting the outside of the house)! lol!!! :)
I also have been having a really hard week mentally. It started last Sunday (28th) and came out of nowhere. I was fine one minute and having a breakdown the next. I really don't know what brings it on, but I have these spells sometimes. I usually feel better within a day or two and life goes on. But.............this day..................that didn't happen. As each day went by, I kept thinking, hoping I would feel better. Never did happen. In fact, I seemed to get worse! Soooo, long story short, I got the name of a good dr. and got an appt. ASAP!!!! (Doesn't it usually take a LONG time to get in as a new patient??). I know God is watching over me b/c I called the office on Friday and got an appt. for today (Tuesday). That never happens!!! Soooo, I am going back on some medicine to help me through these obsessive times. It is so hard when you know you are thinking crazy things, but you can't control any of it! The crazy part kinda takes over any rational thoughts you once had. Plus, I need to be the best mom I can be to my kids!!! This medicine will help me find my way back home and find the Cissa I really am!!! I haven't been Cissa for over a week now and I can't wait to see her soon!!!
Please say a prayer for me! The mornings and the evenings are the hardest right now for me! If you think of me, please say a prayer. I would appreciate it so very much!!!!! :))
Have a good week!
Love, Cissa